June 24, 2006

I have gotten very few responses to my situation wrote in my last post and I really didn't expect to get many since I requested that only those with a possible solution reply. Going to try to address some questions here. As in now looking back and reading my post it does sound kind of scattered, one reason for that is the topic and my anxiety of this happening to me.But I am still trying to find a solution. I have not yet again seek outside help but am going to, I have just been putting it off and I am not one to do that, especially something this important but have for many reasons but mainly because the choices are just so few and so unrealistic. unfortunately what ever it is it has not eased up since my last post, if anything it has gotten worse. My reason for writing this has only been to try and get assistance on the subject and to possibly keep my thoughts on my reasoning because so much time has elapsed.

Why haven't I told my family? Many reasons and though I have partially now told one of my children there is just nothing they could do about it even thought they are of adult age. Plus putting them in the position to have to deal with the topic if it should get worse than it is. I have siblings and at one time was somewhat close but my reasons are different with them. Though I did not see them that ofter when this began in 2000, I rarely see them now and that is by choice and is for this reason mainly. Due to the fact that I believe that it is possible that in the past they knew of this being present if fact I believe that it or one like it was present with them also, in my family. I have my reasons that I believe that and if that is true then I should of been made aware of this long ago. This isn't a blame issue more of a pawn off issue and this could also apply to a ex spouse and family. This does not in anyway apply to my parents who are deceased or my children.I am not a blamer person as some others that I know and I realize this may not be true and that this thing whatever it is has tried to make me think that but the fact of it is that even if they(my family) don't know of it's existence there's just nothing they could do about it either.
What is it's purpose? Not sure of it's original purpose but somehow believe it had nothing to do with me at least back years ago when it was still unknown to me(sub conscious ) but I believe it's purpose changed sometime around the time before I divorced. It had nothing to do with the divorce at least outwardly and would of not change that and there are many years from that time until 2000 when I was made aware of it by it. It is obvious to me in now looking back since 2000 it has little by little trying to ruin my life. The thing is I am a pretty strong willed person and usually stay focused on important priorities, but in looking back there is no question that I so to speak walked right it to it, especially regarding my job. The only way it was able to do this is by my astonishment and disbelief of it's existence and little by little using it's ability. Meaning if it would of been to this extent as it is now, I would of done things differently, especially regarding my job, which being without(only a little) has greatly affected my life. It has also affected my children as one has had to pay my bills at least the last couple of years. They now believe it to be lack of finding a job which it has now became true, since it is way worse and working outside of the home would be almost impossible with it here and finding a decent work at home job has been like looking for a needle in a stack. The thing is that now even if it went away I would have trouble finding a job even in my own area since so much time has elapsed, where I would not have earlier, and I believe that is one of it's purpose though I didn't realize that when I quit my job. It is extremely bothering me that on top of all this that I have had to have my child pay my bills even though my child does live with me and has not had a problem with it though not outwardly but even if not, I do. I had a back up job (so to speak) when this happened which I only did in my spare time so a couple of years ago when I realized this was not going away started to start to do that (cause it can be done out of my home and at my own time) it when it got way worse. I did not realize at the time that it is very possible that it way trying to stop me from doing that. But it did. So my only choice so far has been some Internet sales. I have had to take time out to learn some Computer things I did not know. I have applied for many home based positions that I am qualified for but what a joke that is, another needle in the stack.Going to work inside my home with a regular job would relieve some of my worry and stress but mainly would allow me to be able to work around this what ever it is and allow me the time to mainly focus on getting it somehow removed. Or at least to give it my all, which I have not wanted to do until I had my otherresponsibilities in order. Though I am going to anyway if possible because it has gone on way way to long. I have not even let myself think that there is not a option.

Am I able to continue with life? Now, only at times. At the beginning more so, as I had normal busy life I was able to at least the first year or so but even then not always and as I have said I am a pretty strong willed person and just gradually got worse causing me to not be as busy as normal and it was not due to my interest in it cause though I knew it was there I would of let myself think about. Now though it seems to stop(doing things) when I am into something such as writing this, though not always.It is obvious to me in looking back that it has done things to make me appear almost exactly the way I am normally not. I did not realize this until so to speak look at my life now and how things appear. Something I have never done and most people normally don't. Of course I've never had a reason to since then and most of the time my life has gone is a positive direction and I had future plans at the time which I believe it was not only was trying to stop but also put my life in a stand still and backwards direction. The thing is that even though this sounds this way, I have never cared what ist's reason it plans or it's abilities. Only to get it to leave me be and preferably get it gone. I would leave any reasoning to someone more knowledgeable on the subject than me. Through I have been forced to whether I wanted to or not just to try and research things that it could be so I could get help.

What do I think it is? After all this time, I still have no idea. If I think ghost/demon it just seems to have too much human brain wise intelligence for that. If I think alien or some type of alien implant it doesn't make sense as to why it would it want control of my brain versus a scientist or someone in authority/ politics and why would it stay with me so long if it had somewhere else to go? There is a article that I read on a website the other day which is really a gross thought to me. It basically stated that their is believe that parasites can somehow enter the human brain and it is believed that they can attain certain knowledge from humans. I didn't read it all since it is too gross of a thought for me to think about it.Because most of the time now it makes me think(by it thinking) that there is another one of it around me. I don't know if it is or if it is just thinking that. There is a possibility that there is not one even actually in my brain but only one around me yet somehow able to control my subconscious brain thoughts. There is just nothing that I have read that makes any sense on what it could be, of course I am thinking human sense.
There is just one more thing that I will add to this before I close as I have wrote way more than I planned to,Because of this I have watched allot more of the discover and history channel to try to get some idea of what it is and what direction to go in for assistance and in doing so along with other things have noticed things I would not normally noticed. Though I won't go into my reasons now but it is highly possible that others are affected by one of these also and not just now but in the past. To find if others were affected was not my reason for researching in fact that never occurred to me until this last year, except my family and only because of things it has tried to make me think. Though anything it tried to make me think regarding other people or the past, I have not, only maybe and that goes for anything that I have noticed because I do know and have known that these things could be a coincidence, however it is certainly a possibility through most people do not know it, of course maybe they do and just do not say because it is not as predominate as mine is now but like mine was before I knew of it. There but not letting me know it was there.
sosnow@bellsouth.net

March 19 , 2006

A PARANORMAL SITUATION

I have decided to write my parnanormal situation here and put this out on the Internet thinking maybe someone has some legitimate knowledge on the subject and can point me in the right direction and if no other reason just to keep track of it myself. The hardest part about writing this is how to explain this with out it sounding insensible, given the supernatural subject and what has occured. If reading this keep in mind that this is completely true at least most that I remember and is not any type of mental disorder. I have most always been a skeptical person and never before this believed in any type of paranormal and if someone would of told me this before 5 years ago I would of had a extreme problem believing it. It is just so unbelievable and was to myself especially at the beginning which is for all intended purposes about five years ago at least that is when I became aware of it. Having said that, it is difficult to believe it has been five years, in one way.

I was working at the time and in thinking back I am not sure I was at work or at home when it began but it was a busy time in my life and I almost couldn’t even stop to think about it although I knew it was happening I guess I was trying to block it out or ignore it one but mainly because it was so unbelievable, as some type of paranormal (ghost, alien, spirit, or something) invisible thing started to harass me. I at first thought and for at least a year thought it was behind me doing these things mainly because I never really stopped to think about it, it was just to unreal to. I later when forced to think about it realized it was not behind me but in my brain. Though it has increasingly gotten worse with time and at first it was doing was mainly annoying things occasionally that went to irritating more often to now almost constant torment, kind of like three different levels. At the beginning it did things like pulling in side at me and when I would move my hand it would stop then later do it again, then it started making me here things, almost like it was thinking it to try to get me to think it, such as when people far off were talking as though they were talking at me, and though I knew this wasn't so, I could tell it was doing it even to people on TV, even if I was not in the same room where the TV was, other things were if a person was coming up behind me, it would make a kind of jester to let me know that, it one time kind of made this winding noise in my brain kind of like a tape recorder. After the first year and still working as I was still very busy both at work and at home and trying to continue my life and blocked it out did not let myself think about it but it was getting worse. I then decide I would take a medical leave and did, making up a reason. I had never been on a medical leave as I did not think too much ahead of time, more so taking day by day, but never in a million years thinking it would go into months let alone years. After the leave was up in 6 months I decided not go back and quit my job. Thinking that I would find a easier job with less responsibility or less hours that I could work with it there and to try to give it my all(more time so to speak) to address the issue. After some time past almost to the day that I started looking for employment , it got worse say to the second level, it was then that I started hearing a second one. I then started searching the Internet to see if there was any type of information and or assistance as to what this might be. Never realizing there were any paranormal web sites let alone thousands of them, most of which of course are just for entertainment value. Problem being that the more I read the more ridiculous it seemed mainly because I have mostly been a non believer if this kind of things, yet this was happening to me. Though I decided I would contact one and explained my problem in a email and they did come to my house, assuring me it would be confidential. After talking to me about it and taking some sound video of the house, (as I had recorded a sound that I originally thought was coming from the second one I had just started hearing) they suggested I talk to a medium. Although they seemed knowledgeable on the subject of haunting, I believe they were more interested in information for their website and I did not contact their medium. I then a few months later came across a websites regarding what they call spirit or entity attachment. After reading allot of the reports of others that sounded similar to what I was experiencing and reading that they offered something called spirit releasement therapy that could be done by remote (by phone) for a fee. Though I new very likely that it was a scam, I felt the need to try it, if no other reason to eliminate it and move on to something else as by this time whatever it was(is) had gotten worse. I did the remote session and what the guy did on his end was to try to meditate it away and though the guy seemed somewhat knowledgeable on the subject, and suggested I go under some type of hypnosis if that did not remove them, which of course it did not and basically it was a scam which wasn't a surprise. That was over a year ago and although I have not sought outside assistance since then, it has always been my plan to do so but this has created such a chain reaction of negative things in my life mainly financial that other things took equal priority. Another reason it's or their actions increased in a way that is so difficult to explain but I will briefly. It in some way has force me to talk to it at times, think about past things that has happened and again like it is thinking it, things that I would not never even of remembered, just many harassing things. It has also done things like affect my driving, most would call it panic attacks but it's not and the reason I know this for certain is the driving problem started before I was aware that this, whatever it is. It was just minor then(Xway driving mostly) and this is after driving for more than 20 years without problem. A year or so it got way worse and it dawned on me that it had been causing it years earlier(before I was aware of it, prior to 5 years ago) I just didn't know it them and assumed as I had some type of phobia. Until recently (a few months ago) my thought was that it must of occupied a small part of my subconscious, because I know it was there before I knew of it, one of the first things I realized was that it had been there before thought but I was not aware of consciously, and I am not talking about when I purposely blocked it out after learning of it, I am talking about earlier years there was not any way possible that I could of sort of like being busy and hearing something in the background, but in this case it was like a separate thought not mine. I have since realized that I don’t think it could control but a extreme small part of my actions or decisions with out me knowing it was there, I now believe that it was not so much in my subconscious but itself thinking that I did not know of it and therefore, I didn't. I am not certain that is right but I do know it was there in my past maybe even back to a child. I have done a lot of research on the Internet, trying to find out what it could be as though my interest is not so much what it is or when it was hear but is to get it gone and needing to know some type of direction for assistance, since it has made it almost impossible to live my normal life with it’s presence have read about many things from poltergeists to aliens and alien implants, I also did read somewhere something on what was called energy particles or something like that possibly affect could effect humans but it was a long time ago and can't recall the website but problem being that whatever this is it definitely has human intelligence as it would have to know how to affect my brain.What I do know is that it was smart enough to gradually get worse and that of course affected my actions. As in looking back had I known of it's capabilities I would of handled this differently from the start and it is obvious to me that it has tried to make thinks appear the way aren’t and that includes making me appear unstable. As far as my family goes, other than a brief mention, I have not told anyone about this which of course has made me have to make many excuses for many of my actions. One of the reasons I haven't is even if they did believe it there is just nothing they could do about it. Then there are other reasons also. I have other speculations also, as I could say that possibly there are others that have this also, just not the harass version, and I am not just talking family members, I could also say that is a possible that it has tried to make me think it has done this for someone else but because I also no and have known that some of these things it has tried to get me to think but I have kept a perspective on reality and none of that really matter to me, other than finding a way to get it gone. I have been holding back seeking any other outside help because the choices are so limited. I have just not been able to let myself think to much towards possession/priest, that route as these are just not things I have ever believed in and for some reason just don't think that is what this is. However, if I think alien, I don't think it is that either. One reason is why would something especially of another planet stay with me for this amount of time, if they had somewhere else to go. Don’t see a purpose there. I realize most would probably say that this is a mental disorder but it is not, and this is not a maybe. To say it has practically ruined and stopped my life is a understatement as I am of middle aged, reasonably educated and have two adult children and had future career and other plans for my life and I won’t even go into the hassle I have had trying to find work at home employment, and also this has affected my children’s life, though maybe not directly. I did not plan to turn this into a soap box (so to speak) as normally I am not that negative of a person.

As I said earlier the main reason I am writing this is to see if possibly someone out there knowsof anything this could be and any LEGITIMATE assistance regarding it, if there is such a thing. I am enclosing a email address hear and would like to know if anyone has any knowledge of what this could be and what to do about it, as I am looking for answers.
Email address is sosnow@bellsouth.net